In which we are introduced to a new blog and one of the unsung hazards of democracy.

Literacy, of course, is to blame for all this. We are taught as children to understand and to form words and sentences, which gives us the tragic misconception that we can write. It follows naturally that those among us who enjoy novels, poems, essays and the like will, due to the irresponsible distribution of literacy, someday try our own unworthy and misguided hand at the craft.

From the overflowing landfill of literate America crawl forth half-baked abominations, given a cruel semblance of life at the hands of their authors they limp into bookstores and browsers everywhere on legs of ill-conceived prose and thesaurus-doctored metaphors, spilling into the hands and minds of our innocent young, perverting our libraries and thriving in airport newsstands.

Twilight.

Eragon.

For Whom the Bell Tolls.

All because Public Education, that swaggering Prometheus of federal institutions, insists on carrying the burning brand of letters down the mountain for the good of mankind. How grand. Now O.J. Simpson can read. But he can also pen that stimulating masterwork If I Did It. Is Mr. Simpson to blame for his insurpassibly poor taste in subject matter? Well, him... yes. But those responsible for inducting him into the world of written expression share in his blame, as do the foul tutors of Stephanie Meyer, Dan Brown, and numberless celebrity starlets whose so-named autobiographies fall neatly into the handbags of their pubescent and doomed fangirls. Ernest Hemingway, too. I hate that guy.

So if you don't like what I write, how I write it, or the fact that I'm stupid enough to scatter my shoddy essays into the virtual ether, don't blame me. Blame literacy.Blame Public Education. Blame my grade-school teachers. And by all means, blame America.

DISCLAIMER: This post was a joke. I've gotten a few responses indicating that I was attacking Public Education. I am not. Just havin' a laugh. I'm so down with teaching people to read. I even work as part of an adult literacy program. PLEASE don't take me seriously. Ever. Thanks.